I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
