I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
