Please, let me fuck your mom
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
