ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
