i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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