the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
