I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
