is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
