everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
