If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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