yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
