found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
