hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
