good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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