Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
