Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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