there's paper in my vomit.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
