your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
