saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
