I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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