i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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