fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
