good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
