I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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