I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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