don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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