grandma shit on top of the toilet
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
