She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
