She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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