Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
