the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
