we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
