sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
