Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
