I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
