dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
