idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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