Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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