his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Someone signed my nipple.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
