My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
