Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i think i have two assholes
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
