My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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