i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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