I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
