Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
