There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
