I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
