I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
