I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
