Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
