Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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