babies were throwing up all over the place
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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